Giving a First Phone
“I wish I’d given my child a smartphone sooner.”
There is a growing global movement fueled by the work of Jonathan Haidt to delay app-loaded smartphones and social media until high school. ScreenSense is mobilizing a community-based movement in Marin County, CA, to unite parents who want to reclaim a phone-free childhood.
When you’re starting to consider a phone for your child, below is a suggested six step process for rolling out a first phone that is developmentally appropriate.
Six Essential Steps
1. Consider the impact of giving your child a phone.
2. Ask: Am I ready for the additional parenting commitment?
3. Assess: Is my child ready?
4. Consider the range of phone options and features.
5. Set up and onboard a new phone (or not).
6. Regularly check in on phone habits.
STEP 1: Consider the Impact
Sit down with your co-parent or other caregivers to talk through these readiness queries. The goal is to navigate differences in opinions and get on the same page.
Why does my child want a phone? Can those wants/needs be met in other creative ways or with the most basic communication features possible?
Why do I want my child to have a phone? What are the most basic communication features that will meet my needs as a parent?
Have I thought through the potential impacts of getting a phone? E.g., what may be the upsides and downsides for my child? And for me as a parent?
What could a phone unintentionally replace (e.g., reading, hobbies, alone time)? Are there activities I want to safeguard for my child? How will I do that?
Step 2: Is PARENT Ready?
Are you ready for the parenting time commitment that comes with managing and mentoring phone usage?
Are you familiar with persuasive design which makes tech sticky? Do you model good practices?
Our favorite additional questions are adapted from clinical psychologist, Dr. Demi Rhine:Are you clear on your rules and limits? Are specific apps off-limits? Can they have a social media account? Can they have YouTube or video games on their phone? Can they have Internet access? Where will their phone be kept at night, and at what time will it be unavailable to use?
How will you be sure your child’s screen time is kept in balance with other life activities? Will you be setting a time limit or scheduling specific screen times? What will happen if phone use interferes with their schoolwork getting done?
Are you clear on family screen-free times? Can they use phones during family outings, car rides, meals, homework time, or when friends come over?
How will you know whether your child is following the rules? How will you know whether your child is using apps that are off-limits? How will you know if they are messaging and posting in ways that could harm them or other kids? Is your child clear on how you will be monitoring their activity?
What are the logistics of getting and maintaining a phone? Who will buy the phone? Who will pay the monthly bill? What happens if the phone is lost or damaged?
Step 3: Is CHILD Ready?
Is now the best time to give your child a mobile device that takes great responsibility and maturity to use well? Again, clinical psychologist, Dr. Demi Rhine, offers our favorite list of questions, which we’ve adapted below:
Is your child self-aware? Can they recognize when screen time is negatively affecting them? Can they take a break or get off if they are getting harmed emotionally or physically by their time online?
Can your child self-regulate? Do they log off screen time without a battle? Are they balancing their online lives with their offline lives? Do they understand why it’s important to unplug?
Does your child understand how the online world works? Do they know that much of what they see on the internet isn’t true? Can they determine what people or information seem dubious? Can they navigate tricky situations?
Will your child follow the rules you lay out? Will they respect limits in terms of what apps they can access, when & where to dock their digital device at night, etc? Are they clear how you will be monitoring their online activities (at least at first)?
Does your child know how to keep themselves and others safe online? Think cyberbullying, predators, personal information, etc.
Can your child stick to a well-rounded routine? Will they keep screen time from affecting a healthy routine of sleep, meals, getting homework done, maintaining offline activities, etc. A phone only makes this harder.
Other considerations about social decision-making from Dr. Heitner, author and media expert, include: “Is your child impulsive? Quick to feel angry or excluded? Good at apologizing if she has made someone feel bad? How good is he at not using tech as a distraction from other activities he needs to focus on? If your child has not yet had the opportunity to demonstrate some of these life and social skills, you may want to hold off on a personal device.”
And we also love this teen readiness self-evaluation from Better Screen Time.
Step 4: Consider your options in the matrix below.
If you do want a phone for your child, what features do you want to have vs. avoid for now? The goal is to get a phone with only the features you need and nothing more. The more features, the more parenting bandwidth it takes.
For a printable list with more details:
Step 5 - Smartphone? Not Yet. Tips While Waiting
If your child is disappointed: be clear and firm with your child, picking a time in the distant future when you’ll reconsider a phone to delay the nagging for a long time. If your child feels any wiggle room, they will push relentlessly. It’s way easier to move this date forward than to push it back so don’t trap yourself!
Breathe a sigh of relief and take advantage of the extra time for some pre-training: e.g., spend time having your child “practice” phone skills via your phone, sending texts to coordinate plans with friends, or making and answering phone calls. Help them learn how to put down devices without conflict and discover what they like to do with their free time.
Show your child various locations around your community from which they can safely call you or get help (e.g., school office, public library, community center, a familiar restaurant, neighbors you know)
Develop your child’s confidence with chores and age-appropriate opportunities to develop their independence muscle – e.g., making their own lunch, walking locally or taking public transport on their own, managing money, spending time home alone, doing laundry, managing their own homework.
A wrist watch with an alarm or timer is a helpful tool for developing independence and self-reliance, so your child can manage their time and know when to return home.
Consider a home line; a perk is your child will get to practice phone call etiquette
For continued inspiration and affirmation: read (a) this story about Emma’s day of growth without a phone, (b) a mom’s recount of her phoneless 11-year-old’s day lost in Manhattan, and (c) a mom’s perspective on her son finding his way back to his group when lost during a school trip to China.Feeling like you may cave at a holiday gift moment? Here are amazing screen-free gift ideas from Better Screen Time.
Step 5 - Smartphone? Yes. Let the On-Boarding Begin!
Expect a bumpy, iterative learning process for everyone! Get mentally prepared for lots of mentoring, ongoing negotiations, testing of rules/limits, and nudging of boundaries. The addition of your child’s phone to your family infrastructure will expose unintended consequences you potentially didn’t foresee – that’s part of the mixed package!
Set clear rules and limits for phone use. Set aside time to walk through your expectations for when it’s appropriate vs. inappropriate to use their phone when at home, out in public, and so forth. We recommend printing Phone Fundamentals by Wait Until 8th and sharing it with your child.
Use our guide on mentoring conversations to continue the hard work of parenting this new digital part of your child’s life. Especially clarify how to maintain safety, privacy, and balance, and what types of communication are best suited to in person vs. phone call vs. text messaging. Let’s Talk About Texting from Wait Until 8th is a great deep-dive guide to print and walk through with your child.
If you’re going the iPhone route, check out our guide on optimizing iOS settings that will make phone management easier for you. You can enable or disable so much via the ScreenTime app, so take advantage of built-in features to simplify your parenting job.
Step 6: Regular check-ins as the phone journey continues
Some check-ins with your child:
How is it going -- Any issues to address or good habits to praise? Other priorities or activities that phone time may be replacing? Any rules/limits to adjust?
Review usage -- Ask them for a tour of their phone or of specific apps they use. Check in on their screen time data and/or their texts/posts and consider wins/losses and next steps. Show them how to review ‘ScreenTime’ (for iOS); use it as a tool to promote self-awareness, optimize tech habits, and align use with family rules and values. Remind them you’ll be occasionally checking their use to help make sure they’re safe and balanced.
Encourage reflection -- Are there some phone uses that feel more worthwhile or fulfilling than others? How does your child feel after excess use of the phone, getting sidetracked, or when their phone causes too many disruptions to their day? Are there little changes your child could make to limit distractions (e.g., turn off notifications)? Remind them of their basic needs that must not be displaced by their phone - e.g., getting a good night’s sleep, getting school work and chores done, giving their attention to family and friends in person, being outdoors, being physically active. Be aware of your own parental mixed messaging - e.g., “put your phone down!” while also saying, “you must respond to me right away if I text you!”
Keep an open line of communication – Remind your child that you’re always there to talk if something comes up with their phone or online world. When issues come up, try asking questions from an inquisitive rather than combative standpoint. Optimizing device use is an ongoing learning process for all of us. Expect learning pains and ongoing parenting/mentoring conversations. Help your child identify other adults they can also go to if something goes badly or feels weird.
SOS! Backpedaling When the Phone Feels Like Your Nemesis!
First, a pep talk: the good news is that you have to introduce phone ownership and management to your child at some point before they leave the nest, so you are on your way which can be a good thing!
As the parent, it’s your right and responsibility to set clear limits and expectations for phone usage, so if you don’t like the way things feel, or the phone is negatively impacting other parts of family life, remember that you are the boss and get to call the shots. Be empowered by that!
Start with: “We’re seeing you’re struggling with [issue], and our job as parents is to help you navigate this new world and have a healthy relationship with your phone.”
Maybe it’s a good time to pause and revisit the limits you’ve set, mentoring needs, and/or ways to optimize parental controls.